breaking the mold

Running behind life

2009-12-06T18:02:00.000-08:00

it seems that no matter what i do, life just moves on. If i try to make it stop or halt in one way, it just eventually hits me full speed. It's like trying to hold water in your hands. you cant do it.
Sometimes i wonder on how i can make a dent in society, if maybe i could help others; i don't know. people say that I'm mature for my age. but in reality i know i have a lot to learn. but my question is why cant i take the knowledge i have now and put it to some use. maybe i can help someone change something. or maybe i am just being naive. again i am smart but i have a lot to learn. so i think that i will just take everyday as a blessing and once my chance comes of making a difference. I'll seize it. but until then, I'm just an eighteen year old girl, trying to survive in the dismal world.

Victory is bitter sweet

2009-04-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

we won, hurray...

But there was ALOT of drama at the meet, thats for sure.. Why are girls so petty... i certaintly hope that I dont have a daughter like that...

AHHH!

haha

well

anyways

TIMES:

4X50: 33.07

200:2:24!! (best)

100 fly:1:16

4X100:1:05

1st League Meet...@ Montclair (eww)

2009-04-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Okay so my first league meet is today, against montclair, at montclair
I'm really excited, but theres only one problem there pool is 3 feet deep, Im not joking.

When you dive in, you either flop, or you scrap your face off,

Im still really siked. we should dominate!

so yay!

I'll be swimming:
4x50 medley relay
200 free
100 fly
4x100 free relay.

Ill post up my times when i get them!
wish me luck!

Boys are so Overated

2009-03-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

THe title speaks for its self boys are overated...

wise woman aka mom once said that its a good thing we have all these chemicals pumping through our brain telling us that boys are cute, in their own disgusting ways!

i mean really why do boys eat dirt! or worms or frogs!! ewww

but!

how is it that everything can practically fall apart for a guy??

how can we lose our senses and be drunk on love, call it whatever you want, i just dont get it.

i was a reasonable person, but i was willing to rationalize and be stupid, all for a guy.

man. STUPID CHEMICALS!! haha

i still dont get it...

oh well

Book of Mormon

2009-03-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I've had a rough couple of weeks....

AND

I've been reading my Book of Mormon, I have notice how I am able to handle things way more easily I love it, who would have thought that that would be the case...

Its an amazing book

I'm in 2 nephi 25!!!

YAY

every turn is a wrong one...

2009-03-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt that like ever choice is wrong?

Like you cant do anything to make it right? well thats how i feel.

Every time i try to fix something i just seem to make it worse. nothings going right and im now making the right choices but they dont seem to have any affect on those who told me i was screwing up. so if im making wrong choices and i try to fix them by making right choices why do you not see me??

but then it doesnt really matter when those who were telling you wont even talk to you.

wont even look at you, and they even said that you cant do it alone... then how come i feel like their making me do it all by myself??

I didnt turn for their help in the begining and ya that made things worse, but now im trying to fix it, doesnt that amount to something? i at least thought it would. It hurts to be snubbed by those who are so important to you and it hurts alot when your trying to make an important decision, one thats very hard and breaks your heart.

and its the choice that they want you to make.. man just writing this is bringing me to tears,

i just feel that nothing i do is right and that im all alone... just like before...

i make mistakes and im sorry, but you were always there to help me up.. and now when i need you most, your not. i dont know whether your bitter angry or hurt, but ive made my choice and it sucks.. and i just hoped that they would be there to help me through it.

just like you said you would. But i guess that ive screwed up to bad to fix it.

but you cant even talk to me. Even when im running over with things to tell you.. it just feels that a cold shoulder is all i have to talk to... not a warm loving heart.

I might be very off base... but thats how i feel, and i cant change it.

Injury.... PSH what injury!??

2009-02-27T08:49:00.000-08:00

Okay so yesterday at swim practice we were being timed for our events that we wanted to swim.

Before my injury i was the schools best butterflyer. I was going to CIF this year.

But then i broke my collarbone... i couldnt play water polo and i was out of the water for a very long time. so i wasnt building my endurance in the pool... plus i missed playing waterpolo and swimming.. ask my mom i was a very grumpy girl.

But my doctor kept refusing to let me swim, even though i was with out my sling by the 3rd week, i know it was by God that i healed as well and as quickly as i did.

He was afraid i was going to fall on the pool deck and rebreak my collarbone... HEY i know im a klutz... but jeez thats a little insulting.

So anyway i got timed for the 100 fly yesterday and i was swimming by myself. no one else in the pool to egg me on. It was all on me. Everyone was cheering people were surrounding the pool... They all wanted me to do well,

My coach made me promise the first sign of pain i would stop lol

i promised

The first 50 i flew... literally.
nothing could touch me i was hauling so fast..

the next 25 i slowed a little, getting my rythm half way through thats when i felt it, the adrelene was done and i felt the burning of my muscles the slowness of my pull and kick

the last 25 was torture... i had never been so tired. but i finished. and when i hit the wall, my coach had the look of dis belief on his face, and a BIG o' grin came on. It was the look of hope and WE ARE GOING TO TAKE LEAGUE and he said ty: 1:18....

I screamed with joy and sank in the water... needless to say i had exceeded my expectation.

See, i was swimming better than my 1st race last season... SO CIF here i COME!!!!!

only 8 seconds to be dropped... and im golden!

Its been a while.... like ages

2009-02-26T08:14:00.000-08:00

hey there!

I havent written in like FOREVER! i know... so i thought i should keep you all updated on my life via this blog... and since i am now TAing for a teacher i thought that i could blog..

So.. life is really good, im healing from my broken collarbone im actually in the water swimming. YAY!! One things for sure i had alot of pent up angry/ energy when i wasnt swimming. i know devour all my food. and i got to bed at 8 o clock... i know im SUCH a rebel!!

im so happy but its so so hard I just have to keep going and going like an energizer bunny!

I am going to CIF this year no matter! lol Soooo i have to keep working hard.

I'm getting ready to graduate and i am so excited! I cant wait to walk! AGH! lol its going by so fast but everyday is slow i dont know if that makes any sense! but thats how it feels... oh and ive got a boyfriend. yep yep... anywho

So i just thought that maybe i can attempt to keep you all updated on my life. Plus my mom says she loved to read my blog.

I have no idea why.

The Great and Dreadful Day came... and went...

2008-08-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

1st day of senior year, i wasn't even LATE!

Well I've gone to my first day of my senior year, scary and very uneventful, just a normal day.

shockingly.... here i thought it was going to be something grand... ha ha RIGHT

well my sch. goes like this once everything gets right
0. Seminary 6:10 to 7:00
1.ASL 2- 7:47-8:42
2.Algebra 2-8:49-9:44
3.chemistry-9:51-11:02
LUNCH
4.AP government/honors Econ- ?-12:34
5.AP LIT-12:41-1:36
6.Swim 1:43-2:38
after school is cross country practice/meets
and SYC, plus girls camp....and maybe some Tumbling... MAYBE!

so as you can see my life is hectic busy and just organized chaos but only sometimes is it organized

I'm loving every minute of my senior year, yes even the stupid ones !!! (those make it memorable)

my hero

2008-08-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

i know that you all know my mother... and i just want to say that i love her so much and that shes such an inspiration to me... and I'm sure I'm not the only one... mom i love you and i look up to you.. so don't go blowing up any buildings... aha nah id prob do it with you! i just wanted u to know that whenever anything just seems like its going wrong and everything gets so outta control just remember that you've got people that love and care for you so much! i think your amazing and i hope that when I'm a mother ill mean as much to my children as you do for me... woah... now me having children that's scary.

love ya!

SENIOR YEAR... eeeekkk!

2008-08-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

so I'm four days away from starting my senior year...

i so don't want to go... its straight up scary like freshman year all over again... i don't want it to be over.. AGH.. i cant believe that i have finally reached this point.. crazy... i know my moms prob. hyperventilating at the thought of me grad. JUNE 11 baby... I'm so excited too... I've been told college is WAY better ha ha i sure hope so.... lol

i don't want to work...

but I'm excited and wish me luck... its my last year and I'm going to live it UP!

uba!

2008-07-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

i prolly spelt that horrifically wrong... oh well

I'm so siked to be going to Utah... i love it...

me and my mom are trying to convince my padre to move to cedar city.... cuz its GORGEOUS!!

yes just like that!

I'm really excited to get off work.. have i mentioned that i hate,and absolutely loathe with every inch of my body working???

well for those that didn't know.... now you do...

I'm so going to college for like a gazillion years..... (get ready mom!!!)

but any who... I'm really looking forward to chilling with the family... even if it means missing my second year as a counselor in girls camp....

its cool... but hopefully ill get to go next year... ( if they don't plan it on the family reunion!!! )

BUT

i cant wait to see all of you!!

LOVES

PARTY TIME

2008-07-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

well i had my birthday party yesterday for turning 17!!!!

it was by far the best party ive ever had.... hands down

-jumper
-cake
-ballons
-burgers (yum)
-rockband
-close friends!

it was awesome and i invited alot of people but alot of them didnt come.

but they so missed out...

but we had a good group... oh and i got a baby frog... haha nice huh

i dont have any pics. (bug my momma!!!!)

Just browsing...

2008-07-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

i was surfing the church website. mainly looking for dances and all that fun stuff ... when i stumbled across this quote:

Give me a young woman who is virtous and who has maintained her personal purity. who will not settle less than a temple marriage and i will give you a young woman who will perform miracles for the lord now and through eternity.

Ezra Taft Benson.

This also reminded me of something Brother Haltermen had told me after the Trek, "Stay strong, the Lord has great things for you, he needs you and we need you."

It just goes to show that we all have a purpose. it just depends on if we rise up to accomplish what we were sent down here to do... It means alot that people will notice the little things you do... and they compliment you for them.

But i guess the worldly view of the church is that men have all the importance, but its not true women have their role also, and we love accomplishing what we need to do. and we are also tools in the lords hands, which i think is just awesome!

anti mormonism

2008-07-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

as i was looking for a picture of a temple.. i stumbled across this site http://windysydney.blogspot.com/2007/11/mormontemple,html

i do not understand why someone would post such a descriptive blog about the church. I mean at one time those things had to be sacred to her... correct? in one instance she says baptisms for the dead are not right. well i plan to go and do that this Thursday, she seems to believe that when the people are baptised that they have the religion forced upon them, that they must take it, and she has also claimed to have backed this information with real facts. But isn't that claim wrong (correct me if I'm miss understanding) they still have a choice to be part of the church right?

but the fact that she claims that she doesn't want to be degrading and that the Mormon church is lying to everyone. its at least degrading to me. i mean these are things that i firmly believe in... and she acts like its all a lie. but she had to have believed once, even if the spirit feels like warm fuzzies, because it does, i know that from my pioneer trek, why would people cross those plains if they thought it wasn't true?

the church is such a tight nit organization that everything interlocks and works, so how can you say it isn't true... i don't understand how someone can be so confused on something so simple.

i love the church with all my heart and if some people consider it a cult, then tell me why the Mormon church was faster then the red cross getting supplies to all the natural disasters. i know you cant reason with people who despise the church but at least look at all the good its done and be happy that its helped people.

and if your supposedly going to be telling the truth, say the whole truth.

BOYS...BoYS

2008-07-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

i bet you read the title and started to think... hmmmm this will be intresting.

well i hope i satisfy....

i am 16, 23 days i will be 17.. but whos counting right... :D i have been called so many things for sticking to my faith, from being gay to a slur of not so nice words. but never the less i pressed on haha...

ive been asked countless times, tyaan why dont you date all the guys that ask you, and i respond over and over again.... cuz i dont wanna.. even when i want to! so my question is why are people so curious about why i dont date the boys at school, but when i give them the answer they dont listen. its really rather frustrating.... exspecially if you like a guy who isnt a member, thats hardcore status (im sure you all know) but one of my friends asked me, just out of curiostity if a guy asked me to wait for him while he was on his mission... would you... and i sat and pondered his question, i told him the one thing he didnt want to hear , no i wouldnt i would say we'll see how it is when you come back, and i then began to explain my reasoning behind it and i said becuase two years is a long time he would change so much and i would change too, so has i told him that, he said thats what everyones saying... i smiled and shook my head, he is a really good friend i thought to myself.

But the thing is thats were i stand now... but where will i stand if i do fall in "love" i dont think i will but i have to cover all my bases! haha i wonder if it will seem harder and more of a challenge when i actually have to act on my word... most likely but i think i can do it!! eeek thats scary!!

but as i am going into my senior year, im so excited to do everything, but really super nervous!!! its like freshman year all over again!!!! NO!!! haha just kidding.

but i am really excited to stay a kid, but i want to grow up.... and dating is part of growing up... haha so ya...

everything was simple once....

2008-06-23T12:22:00.001-07:00

i was just thinking about how when you are a little kid, and even my age. life was and is still simple. You didnt have to worry about the issues, actually if you were lucky you didnt even know that there were issues. i often want to go back to when i was little because there was a lot less to deal with, but then i think, there are major pluses to being older. haha driving (eek) , dating (DOUBLE eek). but they all come with more responsibility, ugh i seriously do not like that word. it seems so very responsible... but thats the point.

Its sad that everyday you get a little older, but a little wiser. you are able to learn new things, and you discover who you are, we are all on that path of becoming adults and finding who we are right? most of of us are unwilling to get older but its inevitable, we all drag our feet but we cant stop the momentum... so to fight.. it is impossible..... but i think of all the joy i can have, completing my senior year, going to college, starting a family and being sealed in the temple...granted im not so nieve i know that there are going to be hardships and things that are going to wiegh me down and seem so out of my control, but i figure if i jump into this growing up process i evolve into a better stronger more independant person.... why not.... then i can teach my children, its ok to grow up... we all have to do it sometime...

this sunday i was listening to given by Bro. Judd he he talked about good better and best, and that got me thinking am i little tyaan doing my best?? i finally came to the conclusion that no i wasnt, i want to be able to go to the temple when im older, am i on the path. sure of course i am i say, but my concern is my will strong enough, will i be like the pioneers and press forward? we are tuaght that in the last days only the faithful will remain, am i faithful enough? am i strong enough? i think i am but some day my road of faith is going to be tryed and i wonder if mine will stand the test of time... im sure i am not the only one thinking this, but one of my friends asked me whats your biggest fear? its not standing up at the last days. i want it so much so i am going to do my BEST.

last day on EARTH

2008-06-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

i was once asked if it was your last day on earth what would you do? i was giving the question some thought and one of my friends, who tends to have problems with me being a mormon said," thats easy she would try alchole, smoke,and do all the things she couldnt do because of the consequences.... my friends continued the bantering about what i would do given my last day on earth. only talking about the supposed bad things i would do.... at first i started to get angry, did they not take me serious in my faith, was i not good enough for being a mormon?? i started to doubt myself and listening to my friends assumptions on my life...they eventually got it in thier heads that yes tyaan would party hard on her last day on earth, and for that moment that single instance in time i had doubted myself, and it wasnt because i had supposedly done something wrong, it was because my friends thought they knew me.

But the thought occured to me is that they never let me answer the question. Maybe it was because they already knew the answer and didnt want it confirmed. they all knew very well that i would stay true to my faith, so then after spending way to much time on the subject, the same person who had asked me the question before asked again. it seemed to me they really wanted to know. My friend joking said with a groan,"didnt we just cover this?" and he responded yes but i want her answer, not yours. i was very surprised he didnt go along with what everyone had said about me. so i slowly started to answer and i said, well it basically would be the same as everyday, but i would try to do more for every one.

It would be the simple things... i would tell my mom i love her more often, spend time in the garage with my dad, just do things for my family and friends that i had left on a good note.... and thats when i realized... i needed to do more... i needed to be more involved... the simple things are what make a great and wonderful life.. so i will help my mom out with dinner ...to just do the small things...and try to be that better individual, becuase thats what it comes down to in the end... who you were when you lived.

SEXISM

2008-06-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

ok so everyone knows that i play water polo.. my coach is not the sharpest tool in the shed and hes a sissy.... for being an navy seal.... but thats just my opinion. anywho i love the sport thats basically the only reason why i play it... but my coach has this SUPPOSED asstiant coach... ya i dont belive that for a minute... what i mean is the AC has never played any college waterpolo and when he played for highschool it wasnt like he was on a division one team, it was bottom of the rung. he also had a coach who didnt know what he was talking about.. so hes already under qualified... i kept thinking hey maybe the guy will surprise me... and he did alright... by being a sexist pig...

everytime i have gotten the ball or went to shoot he always said that i couldnt do... granted my shot might not be as powerful our as fast as THE GUYS but i make smart shots.... thats why most of mine go in...but when i miss one shot... hes pist saying one of the boys good have gotten it in. my head coach has been saying that i need to shoot more... so i have been while the AC says i need to stop shooting. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?? it doesnt to me so this has been happening for the past week and a half... its summer league so the guys and the girls play on the same team... we are not one team.... its guys verses girls and we are losing considering the fact that there are three of us and one of us is deaf (i love her). not to mention the ACs little brother is on the other team. and if he happens to miss a shot its ok... hes not a girl so it must be fine... i dont know what to do ... i wanna scream and yank my hair out.... but thats just being a girl right...

i mean cant i be beautiful and wear dresses and do my make up and still be a strong an independant individual? this is a never ending fight..

not to mention... he wont even talk to me with an ounce of respect and my coach wont stand up to him he just wants to be buddy buddy with the guy. fine if that makes him feel better but he better not think that hes won... becuase i can cause havok... i just choose not to...

so i havent made the decission to quit...even though i am considering it. i love the sport... not the people... i dont get much playing time even if i am better then some of the guys... i go to every single practice and try... but how can i continue when all i want to do is punch the guy and its not like i can avoid him... he talks trash about me to the coach and the sign lanuage interperter(who is a close friend of the family) i dont know what i should do ....

the day in the life.....

2008-06-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

of an average american citizen...

ok so now i have a job... hey i love the fact that i am needed... but working is so not

cool... ugh

i went home after my first day and asked my mom so this is what i have to look forward to when i graduate?? man... you know i have always taken school for granted

not anymore uh nope working is not fun.. we only do it becuase we have to and we cant get welfare!! lol

nah but ive never wanted to stay in school but now i do... haha i am certaintly very dissapointed... but at least i learned while i was young haha!

peace~

mothers day

2008-05-10T14:14:00.000-07:00

iknow i havent been on since the first time i signed up but im getting the hang of this, so im excited for mothers day.

you know the usual i wrote my mom a sappy note thats bound to make her cry! sweet!

aunt lisa i hope your very first mothers day is extremely special! LOVES!

well i hope that all the mothers out there will have a great mothers day!

wowza

2008-02-11T17:37:00.000-08:00

hey guys...

im kinda new at this whole blog majiggy.... lol so ima need some time to adjust from the whole myspace phase.... and yea i have one lol...